How To: Set Boundaries Part 2

What is An External Limit?

Internal boundaries allow you to give yourself what you need in order to feel safe and secure, and the more attuned you are to your own needs, capacity, and limits, the better you are able to maintain those in relationships with others. 

If you notice resentment starting to form in a relationship, that is a great “check engine light” emotion that indicates that your internal boundaries need tending to. That perhaps, you might need to take time to listen to your body’s signals of “what needs might I be neglecting?” or “where is my capacity at right now?” or “what else do I need to feel settled here?”

Resentment can also be  a signal that an external limit might be helpful. 

The first part of setting an external limit is coming back to that attunement with yourself and deepening that awareness of what you need. 

External limits  are also about developing an awareness of what you don’t need.

External limits can feel intimidating because of the potential threat they pose to relationships. Having fear about setting a limit is normal and human. The last thing we want to do is threaten our connection with others, and setting a limit can often feel like we are pushing someone away. 

A different way to think about an external limit is that it can be an invitation for increased or deeper connection. They are what you need in order to love yourself and someone else at the same time. 

You can replace the word love with respect if that fits the relationship better, like an employer or a colleague or a neighbor. 

This invitation says “here is what I need in order to get closer to you or to stay connected to you.”

For example, let’s say your neighbor likes to drop by unannounced. She is excited to see you and your family, and when she is in the neighborhood, she pops in to say hi. 

For some people, that might not be an issue. But you notice that when she does it, you begin to feel frustrated. For you, it feels like it throws off your routine. You were not expecting company. Maybe you or your kids don’t have the capacity for socializing at that time.  

Being aware of your boundaries is necessary here in order for you to protect your relationship with your neighbor, because eventually, that frustration might turn into resentment. Resentment is what can actually damage your relationship. 

In order for you to love yourself and protect the relationship (i.e. loving your neighbor at the same time), it is essential that you become aware of your internal boundaries around your time and protect those, as discussed in Part 1. Knowing that some planning on your part helps visits with your neighbor go well is like grease for the wheels of your relationship. This might mean intentionally inviting your neighbor to visit and play with the kids on a specific morning.

Though many of us fear a limit is by definition harsh, if a limit is needed, it does not need to be harsh, or rude, or intense. You can be firm in what you need while also communicating with warmth and compassion. 

When first setting a limit, it might be as simple as stating what is going on for you at that moment. This could sound like:

"Oh hi Joe! Shoot, I can't talk now, but it's great to see you! Take care!" and turn back to what you were doing.

Or, "Hey Elaine, I'm just in the middle of some things, but I hope you have a great day, catch you later!"

If the behavior continues, and you notice that you want to be more clear about your expectations, you could say something like this:

This external limit is not pushing your neighbor away, but actually giving her the tools she needs to stay connected to your family, even more so than complaining to someone else about how the neighbor is so intrusive…

External limits are kind. They make it so others do not have to guess your needs or expectations, like all of the times you might have left a social situation wondering “Did I bother that person?” or stewing on if you said the “right thing.”

If you struggle with the idea of getting push-back (i.e. someone feeling hurt/disappointed/angry/upset), check out this post on Adjusting Your Volume Dials for some tools to cope with that discomfort! 

For more in-depth discussions on boundaries, here are some of my favorite resources:

• The Book of Boundaries: Set The Limits That Will Set You Free by Melissa Urban

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide To Reclaiming Yourself (book or Podcast) by Nedra Glover Tawwab