How To: Set Boundaries Part 1
What is an Internal Boundary?
If you have had any sort of presence on social media in the past decade, you may have been inundated with messaging around boundaries.
Boundaries have found their place in the cultural zeitgeist. We know we are supposed to set them. We might even know that we need to reinforce them. But how?
And what even is a boundary?
I’m going to start by saying what a boundary is not.
A boundary can look and sound like many things. For the purpose of these posts, I am going to organize the spectrum of boundaries into two categories:
An internal boundary
An external limit
An external limit is probably what you are more familiar with because it can involve communicating to others what your limit is. I will dive further into this in a different post-but first I want to address all the steps you can take by yourself before that point.
That is where internal boundaries come into play.
An internal boundary is an invitation for connection with yourself. It is the process of constructing an internal navigation system that helps you assess and decide what you want to keep in, and what you want to let out to build trust in yourself that you can keep yourself safe.
Internal boundaries are personal and custom to each individual, so no two people will have the same navigation system. Here are some things you might consider when thinking about your internal boundaries:
What Do I Want To Keep In?
Is it private?
What information do I want to share with others? What level of closeness/trust do I need to feel before I share something vulnerable? Is this the right person/setting to share this information? Do I want to keep this private for myself? Will I still want this person to have this information about me tomorrow? In a week? In a year?
For example: Let’s say you just got out of a relationship and it did not end well. You are hurt and angry and confused. Part of you wants to tell everyone you know - maybe ask them if they saw this coming. But if it is shared too soon or without enough trust or connection, like on a first date or as a public social media post, or with the wrong people (either people who don’t respond with support and compassion OR you don’t have the trust built with them yet to share all your vulnerable feelings) you end up feeling so. much. worse. This is what Brene Brown calls a vulnerability hangover. That might be a sign that this information is sensitive, and your internal boundary is that you will only share it with a few trusted friends.
Is it constructive?
How might someone feel if I give this opinion/feedback? Will saying this bring me closer to them or push them farther away?
For example: You might notice that your wife dresses differently after having your first-born. You preferred the way she dressed before, those clothes were much cuter! Of course you can have your preference, but you might not share those thoughts out loud with your wife to be considerate of her feelings and protect your relationship!
What Do I Want To Keep Out?
Does it *really* have to do with me?
Is this directly related to me, or something I can control, or anything I need to concern myself with?
For example: You get cat-called on the street. Some guy honks his horn and shouts some obscenities. You are understandably rattled and annoyed. Do you want to hold onto those feelings, or is this something you can acknowledge and create an internal boundary that allows you to let the comment roll off so you can continue to enjoy your walk?
Is it constructive?
Is this information coming from a trusted source that has my best interest at heart? Does this matter to me?
For example: Your work acquaintance is complaining to you about how she can’t stand when people are late to meetings. She finds it to be rude and disrespectful, and as someone who has been in charge of camp drop-off for your kids for the week and has run in late to many meetings-you wonder if this is just your co-worker venting, or if she is trying to tell you something? If this feedback was given directly or from a trusted colleague, you might consider it. As it stands, can you let her venting go?
Do I have capacity?
Do you have time/energy/interest?
For example: Your mother-in-law has many strengths, but can often rub you the wrong way with some of the comments she makes. You know that you do your best with her when you have energy, so you make a point to schedule visits in the morning when you are feeling fresh, have had your coffee and keep the meeting to under an hour so that you both leave feeling ok!
Internal boundaries are the guidance system for prioritizing what serves you in big and small ways.
