Adjusting Your Volume Dials, Part 2
Do you ever get feedback—from a partner, friend, or coworker—and suddenly, clang! the emotional walls slam shut? They’re saying you messed up. You feel misunderstood, misjudged, totally wronged. How can they not see your side?! If that hits home, this post is for you.
Last week, we talked about how some of us learn to turn the volume way up on External Information—other people’s needs, wants, even their imagined thoughts—and turn our own dial in Internal Information way down. Always reading the room, taking care of everyone else, and forgetting to ask, “Hey, what do I need?”
Why? Because for some, safety has meant keeping everyone else happy (or trying desperately to).
But let’s talk about the other extreme—maybe you’ve learned to tune out External Information entirely. Background, gender norms, culture, family dynamics—any of these might’ve taught you that paying attention to others can come at the cost of yourself. So you protect yourself. You armor up. You build sturdy internal walls and say, “Nope, not letting that in.”
Let’s look at a scene:
You get home late from work (again). Your partner looks bummed. You ask what’s wrong. They gently remind you that you’d promised to be home earlier to have dinner together. They’re disappointed—it’s been happening a lot lately.
You feel the heat rise. Suddenly you’re defensive: I obviously want to be home and not at work this late. I’m doing the best I can, how can you not see that? Why wouldn’t you be more flexible with me when you know my job is extra stressful right now?
Sound familiar?
That reaction—the irritation, the wall, the need to justify—is your emotional armor clanking into place. It feels protective. But while that armor may shield you from feeling blamed, it also keeps you disconnected—from your loved ones and from your own deeper emotions.
So what can you do?
Here’s a short list that’s part emotional toolkit, part Jedi training:
Notice when the armor goes up. That “ugh” feeling? The urge to argue or shut down? That’s your cue.
Get curious. Instead of defending your case like a courtroom lawyer, ask yourself: What part of their perspective might make sense? (Even if 90% of it still feels off.)
Press pause. Before you respond, take a breath. Nod. Ask a calm, curious question like, “Can you tell me more about how that felt for you?” (Bonus points for not crossing your arms.)
Check in with your own emotions. When someone’s sad, angry, or hurt—and it’s got something to do with you—what comes up? Guilt? Shame? Fear of being “the bad one”? Notice those. They matter too.
Remember: emotions aren’t pie. Someone else’s sadness doesn’t take up your slice. There’s room for both of you at the emotional table.
This work isn’t about being wrong or right—it’s about being curious, practicing openness, and building relationships that can handle the messy stuff.
