Regret
Why are we all so afraid of regret?
We’re afraid of making bad choices. We’re afraid of not making choices. We’re afraid of making what seems like a good choice, then second-guessing ourselves later. We’re afraid of limiting our options by choosing at all. And nothing sends a chill down our spines like this thought: you’re going to look back someday and regret what you’re doing now.
The fear of regret is a very strange kind of mental exercise: we’re looking into the future, imagining our future selves feeling pain about the present, once the present becomes the future’s past. Who invented this time travel? And why do we do it, when it only causes pain and muddles our choices? None of this brings us any closer to the clarity we crave.
I think the fear of regret is really just another form of the fear of grief: the cruel, damaging myth in American culture that tells us sadness isn’t normal and shouldn’t be felt. This makes us afraid of getting “stuck” with a painful past we can’t change, and a sadness we can’t outrun. Only losers feel regret, we tell ourselves.
But this isn’t true! Everyone feels regret from time to time– yes, even those people you compare yourself to. And regret isn’t all that different from other forms of sadness; it’s no more harmful or lasting than any other feeling– if you’ve been reading my colleague’s posts, you know there’s no such thing as a permanent feeling! Like any other feeling, we can allow regret in, hear what it has to say, and move on.
How do you do that? Well, first go back and read my colleagues’ excellent posts on how to feel your feelings. And then, I’d suggest these steps:
Acceptance: Acknowledge that regret is a normal part of human life. All of us have to make important choices with limited information, and many things are clearer in hindsight.
Compassion: Recognize that being a human is hard, and show compassion to yourself and to everyone living in a world full of difficult choices.
Grieving: Instead of running from it, numbing it, or turning it into abstract thoughts (intellectualizing), let the sadness in. Cry, journal, take time to yourself, and talk to someone you trust about how you feel. Hold yourself and your feelings tenderly.
Curiosity: Ask yourself where this feeling of regret is coming from, and what underlying values make it important to you. What does this sadness suggest you care about? Can you do something to act on your values here and now? For example, if you feel regret over speaking harshly to someone in the past, you clearly value gentleness. You can act on that value now by being gentle with yourself and others around you.
Forgiveness: Remind yourself that you are, always, more than your mistakes. You have a life to live here and now, and punishing yourself over the past won’t help you live better in the present– living better will.
