How To: Set Boundaries Part 3
If I made an input/output machine for people to store in their brain about boundaries, it would look like this:
If an experience occurs and your internal boundaries say, “I can keep this out/let it roll off,” great! You are good to go.
If that check engine light flares up that says, “something about this feels stuck!” or, “I am feeling resentful,” that might mean your internal boundaries need reinforcement, or an external limit could be needed.
If an external limit is set, sometimes it needs maintenance over time. Just like how a car needs an oil change (lots of car analogies here), sometimes people need reminders of what your limits are.
Let’s say you just started at a new company. You’re passionate about your work and you want to do a good job. You like your boss, but you notice that they are messaging and emailing you at times way outside your scheduled hours to work.
Your input/output boundary machine would first ask: What are my internal boundaries around my time?
From there, you could decide when you are willing to respond and when you are not.
Maybe you have a hard stop after 6:00 pm. Maybe your boundaries depend on the urgency of the email. Whatever your limit is, you are developing your own awareness of what you need to be successful.
The key here is that you need to keep your internal boundaries consistent with the messaging that you are giving. So if you decide it is your limit not to email after 6:00 pm, you don’t email after 6:00 pm. You also don’t check. Your part is to hold that line. It may take significant work inside to allow messages to come and go and let go of an assumption of responsibility, or a feeling of guilt, but this is how boundaries are born.
But let’s say that your boss communicates an expectation for a quick response from you no matter what time a day. This might benefit from a conversation to review the job description or expectations, and you might choose to clarify for yourself what kind of job you’re willing to have.
For external limits that you need to maintain over time, Melissa Urban, author of The Book of Boundaries: Set The Limits That Will Set You Free has a great internal template of a green, yellow, red boundary system of reminders for communicating your limits.
If you have not yet set a limit with your boss, or it is a new limit that needs a refresher, your boss might need a green limit. This is stating or giving a gentle reminder of what your limits are.
A green boundary reminder can sound like:
“I’m able to answer emails and messages quickly during the day, until 6:00 pm. I’ll be able to get to any evening messages after 9:00 the next morning.”
Or
“In order for me to do my best work as an employee, I don’t respond to emails after 6:00 pm so I can recharge and give my work my full attention during work hours.”
Depending on the work culture, you might even change your email signature to reflect your limits around your response-time.
Maybe your boss continues this behavior (with the expectation you respond) even though you have reminded them a few times. This might mean you increase your language to more of a yellow limit (like a yellow stop light, with a little more warning.)
If your boss brings up your response time with you, a yellow boundary reminder can sound like “I will get to that after 9:00 am.”
A red boundary reminder is for when that boundary is continuously being crossed. It is the last warning where you explicitly state the consequences and your intention to hold the consequences.
In this case, it may just be not answering.
As you hold your limits over time, it is helpful to reflect on your internal boundaries. You might ask yourself: “Is this culture at this workplace working for me? Am I getting what I need? Have I put in place what I need to be successful here?”
Your boundaries are yours to hold and yours to make clear.
