How To: Feel Your Feelings
A guide to help feel your feelings
By now you have definitely accepted that you have to feel hard feelings.
Or maybe, you have not accepted it, but you might at least believe me a little bit.
Waves, both literally and emotionally, are all a part of life on earth. And just like you would look incredibly silly trying to stop an ocean wave from reaching the shore, it would be just as silly to try to stop the emotional waves from happening in your body.
Understandable, but silly nonetheless.
The third piece of good news is that there are things we can do to *surf* the waves.
These steps are not exactly linear. There is no “exact” or “right” way to feel. Feelings can be messy and confusing. The following steps are simply ways to return to your body to allow for the feelings to rise and fall. For the waves to crest.
Become aware of the emotion
Often times we begin to *feel* a feeling before we are even aware that it is happening. You can become aware of an emotion by tuning into the physical sensations in your body.
You might pay attention to your heart beat, your muscles, your breath, or any other indicators.
Questions you could ask yourself to increase awareness are:
Is this sensation hot or cold?
Does this sensation have a texture or a weight to it?
Do I notice anything happening in my throat, my chest, my stomach?
Is my body wanting to move, to scream, to cry, to run?
Name the feeling
Thinking about the context of the sensation can possibly give you some insight into the signals from your body. Do you notice your heart racing and your muscles tensing, AND someone just cut you off in traffic? Do you feel a heaviness in your stomach and a restless feeling in your legs, AND you have a big presentation tomorrow?
Combining the sensation with the context might help you name what emotion you are feeling. There are a lot of possibilities! It is also possible that you could feel more than one feeling at the same time. If someone cuts you off in traffic, you might be feeling frightened because you felt unsafe in that moment AND angry, because the story you tell yourself is that the driver was not watching where they were going. With your big presentation, you might be feeling anxious to do a good job, AND excited to share what you have been working on!
The closer you can get to naming the feeling, the easier it is to allow it to move through your body. Here is a tool that can be helpful in getting more granular about what exactly it is you are feeling.
The Feelings Wheel
Accept the emotion
This seems so simple, but it is often the place we get stuck in the emotional loop. Remember, uncomfortable emotions can be so tricky to feel, and so our body has many many ways to try to keep ourselves safe from that discomfort. We might try to suppress and push it away, we might dismiss it, we might have feelings ABOUT our feelings. Like feeling annoyed or ashamed at ourselves for getting worried about the presentation. Your thoughts might sound like “ugh. It is not that big of a deal. Why can’t you just let this go? You are 47 years old! Grow up!”
Which does nothing for the worry-which is just trying to signal to you that this presentation is important!! And now, on top of that, you feel extra terrible, because you feel like you are doing something wrong ON TOP of the worry.
For accepting the emotion-I find that it can be very helpful to picture that emotion (like Inside Out) as little parts of you that are all trying to do a job-they are all there to keep you safe.
Allowing for the emotion is increasing your ability to tolerate the discomfort.
You could say something to yourself like this:
“I notice I am feeling tightness in my chest, my heart is racing, and my muscles are tense. It feels like I want to run or move. I am worried that I could mess up or make a mistake in my presentation tomorrow. It makes sense that I am worried. Worry is just telling me that I want to do a good job.”
…and then sitting in that feeling. Maybe you take a deep breath. Maybe you give yourself a hug. Not to get rid of the feeling. Just to give yourself comfort while you feel the feeling.
Get curious
Once you have accepted that the feeling is happening and you allow space for it in your body, then you can get curious about what your body is needing without judgement. Some questions you could ask yourself:
What does this feeling want me to know?
How is this feeling trying to keep me safe?
What am I needing right now/what is this feeling needing from me right now?
Allow for the emotion to release
Once you can get curious, the last thing to do is to stay with your body, honor what it is needing. Different emotions might need different things!
As you sit with sadness, anger, overwhelm, or frustration, you might feel the urge to cry. Crying is one of the fastest ways the body gets itself back to equilibrium. It can be helpful to cry AND give yourself that loving self-compassion that sounds like “It makes sense that you are crying,” or “it is ok to cry, I can let it out.”
If you notice anxiety or fear coming up, your body might tell you that movement could be helpful as you notice your muscles tensing or your heart racing. Doing yoga or shaking can help you reconnect with your body and remind it that it is safe.
Finally, breath work is beneficial for any feeling. Returning to your breath, and using a technique that works for you, can help you move through and release that emotion.
These steps may seem simple enough, but they are not easy! Especially when we come in with so many messages from our culture, our community, and our family of origin about what is ok to feel, how you are supposed to feel, and if you are supposed to feel. These steps are hard for so many reasons. If you would like assistance in navigating these steps, reach out to our intake team to find a therapist to support you in your emotional journey!
Book Recommendations For Feeling Your Feelings:
Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown
Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett
Emotional Agility by Susan David
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
For Kids:
The Boy With Big Feelings by Brittney Winn Lee
The Color Monster by Anna Llenas
Other Resources for Feeling Your Feelings:
The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage: Ted Talk by Susan David
